12.24.2011
12.16.2011
Inventory
One of the things I love most about this time of year is the opportunity for self reflection. For me, there is an undeniable pull inward, a tugging of the heart strings. A tiny little whisper to pause and reflect on the last year. For some reason, this year, the usual little whisper is not so subtle, it is a scream really. I feel compelled to contemplate on all the ups and downs, blessings and curses of 2011 and ask myself some tough questions.
Why do I do this? I have really struggled lately as to why I do this, blog that is. I have been faced with my own insignificance as I stare at my tiny following and wonder, who am I doing this for? I have given more than one envious glace at some of my favorite blogs with their hundreds, and thousands of followers. If only I could teach you how to make a dress out of a pair of your husbands old socks. It has taken me a while to realize, I do this for myself. So I have a place to tell my story, our story. It may not be important to the masses, but it is authentic. I hope that someday, my daughters can see this blog, and it will help them to know who their mother was. They can see this and then also see that they were and are my whole world (tiny as it may be.)
What is important? Maybe a better question would be, why is it so easy to become distracted by things that are unimportant? The other night I went with my sister in law and our kids to pioneer park to candle light Christmas. It was so fun, magical almost. I learned the Virginia real. I have seen it in movies and always wanted to be able to do an old fashioned dance. My sister in law said she loves it there because the whole world just disappears and you can forget about all the craziness. By the end of the night I was in agreement. Sometimes simple is better. Less distractions, like pinterest and those annoying kardashians. Distractions can steal your life. The other day I almost missed Ella's singing performance at school. I got busy at home and didn't have time to shower and I didn't want to be seen by all the posh moms at school in such a state. I reasoned that it wasn't that important and that Ella wouldn't even notice me in the crowd. Then I gave my head a shake and pulled it together and zoomed to her school, greasy hair and all. When I walked in she shrieked and ran to me across the room and gave me the hugest hug and said "your the best mommy ever!!!" I almost missed that. I almost let her down, because I was worried what some snotty cows that drive fancy cars would think about my lack of mascara and lip gloss. I am so glad I realized what matters most is my little girl's smile, even if it was at the last minute.
Do the people you love know that you love them? This is a tough one. One that makes a lump form in my throat. Just about eight years ago my brother Jamie passed away. We weren't very close, and I remember sitting at his funeral and being so angry at myself that I hadn't take the time to nurture our relationship. I listened to his friends stories and realized for the first time how much we had in common and how much I had lost by not letting him know that I loved him. I promised myself that I would never let anything like that happen again. This Christmas my prayer is that all the important people in my life know how much I love them.
Does God know how grateful I am for the blessing in my life? Sometimes I am such a brat. An ungrateful brat. I whine about this and that, blah blah blah. Then I take a look at my beautiful little Annika. She will always be a reminder to me of just how blessed I am. She is like humility medicine for me. A sweet little pill to remind me, that I am loved and lucky and that my life is not that hard.
I guess this is kind of a lot to think about. Good thing there is a whole new year just around the corner. I will have plenty of time to contemplate and get it just right.
Why do I do this? I have really struggled lately as to why I do this, blog that is. I have been faced with my own insignificance as I stare at my tiny following and wonder, who am I doing this for? I have given more than one envious glace at some of my favorite blogs with their hundreds, and thousands of followers. If only I could teach you how to make a dress out of a pair of your husbands old socks. It has taken me a while to realize, I do this for myself. So I have a place to tell my story, our story. It may not be important to the masses, but it is authentic. I hope that someday, my daughters can see this blog, and it will help them to know who their mother was. They can see this and then also see that they were and are my whole world (tiny as it may be.)
What is important? Maybe a better question would be, why is it so easy to become distracted by things that are unimportant? The other night I went with my sister in law and our kids to pioneer park to candle light Christmas. It was so fun, magical almost. I learned the Virginia real. I have seen it in movies and always wanted to be able to do an old fashioned dance. My sister in law said she loves it there because the whole world just disappears and you can forget about all the craziness. By the end of the night I was in agreement. Sometimes simple is better. Less distractions, like pinterest and those annoying kardashians. Distractions can steal your life. The other day I almost missed Ella's singing performance at school. I got busy at home and didn't have time to shower and I didn't want to be seen by all the posh moms at school in such a state. I reasoned that it wasn't that important and that Ella wouldn't even notice me in the crowd. Then I gave my head a shake and pulled it together and zoomed to her school, greasy hair and all. When I walked in she shrieked and ran to me across the room and gave me the hugest hug and said "your the best mommy ever!!!" I almost missed that. I almost let her down, because I was worried what some snotty cows that drive fancy cars would think about my lack of mascara and lip gloss. I am so glad I realized what matters most is my little girl's smile, even if it was at the last minute.
Do the people you love know that you love them? This is a tough one. One that makes a lump form in my throat. Just about eight years ago my brother Jamie passed away. We weren't very close, and I remember sitting at his funeral and being so angry at myself that I hadn't take the time to nurture our relationship. I listened to his friends stories and realized for the first time how much we had in common and how much I had lost by not letting him know that I loved him. I promised myself that I would never let anything like that happen again. This Christmas my prayer is that all the important people in my life know how much I love them.
Does God know how grateful I am for the blessing in my life? Sometimes I am such a brat. An ungrateful brat. I whine about this and that, blah blah blah. Then I take a look at my beautiful little Annika. She will always be a reminder to me of just how blessed I am. She is like humility medicine for me. A sweet little pill to remind me, that I am loved and lucky and that my life is not that hard.
I guess this is kind of a lot to think about. Good thing there is a whole new year just around the corner. I will have plenty of time to contemplate and get it just right.
11.23.2011
Can it be true?
Can it be true that my little love Ella is seven years old? Does anybody else out there have a hard time coming to term with their children growing up? I'm not sure why I find it so hard to believe that my first born baby is not nearly a baby anymore. Ella is my little BFF, the sunshine in my soul. She is the most sweet, loving and thoughtful little girl you could ever come across. She is always making little love notes and suprises for me and her dad. She loves her baby sister and can most of the time be found cooing her little songs and reading her stories. She also loves animals. In fact, she has just spent the entire morning outside in the yard creating as she says "a thanksgiving feast for the animals." I am not sure that birds ans squirrels share her love of mudpies and leaf cakes. I do know that since the day she was born I have loved her and been thankful that I am her mom.
10.28.2011
Fall Fun
I finally got it in gear and dragged my kiddos and hubby to our local pumpkin patch a Wheeler Farm. It was Fall fun for all with a hay bale maze, pumpkin picking patch and wagon ride. Ella insists that her favorite part was seeing the cows and letting them lick her hand with their rough tongues. (ummm, ew!) I think she loves animals even more than I did as a kid, and she is so entertained by the simplest things. We also took our sweet little friend Kennedy with us. I love that little girl so much and it is always nice and a little bittersweet to spend time with her and imagine what might have been. Our little bundle, Annika, was cute as ever and will probably be a little more excited about the pumpkin picking in years to come.
9.14.2011
A love song for baby
One of my favorite childrens books ever is called Love Song For A Baby. I bought it for E as a baby and now, with a new little wee one, some of the lyrical prose always seem to be on the tip of my tongue. ............
Before the first stars blazed in your sky,
before the sun ever kissed you,
before you cried your first cry,
we loved you...
....Your laughter was the sun.
Your smile, the moon.
Even your burps were bells,
since we loved you.
You burst upon our world like a comet,
like bird song
in the silver silence of dawn,
and how could we help
but love you?
8.19.2011
Is it too late for one last summer adventure?
I want to steal a romantic kiss from my husband here....
and here......................
but do most of the kissing here!
7.20.2011
7.18.2011
Oh Happy Day!
It has been ages since I blogged and you probably know the reason why. To say the last few months have been difficult would be a huge understatement. Many of you know the struggle we have been through to grow our little family. We have been working to get pregnant or to adopt for a couple of years but there seemed to be new obstacles around every corner. Finally in January our application for adoption through LDS family services was completed and we were approved for adoption, which basically is the beginning of a long wait until someone chooses you to be the adoptive parents. Although we had not given up on fertility I felt my heart tugging strongly in the direction of adoption. I didn't know the reason why, I just felt it in my heart.
It wasn't very long at all before we had a phone call saying that a birth mom had picked our profile and wanted to meet with us. I was overjoyed! After a few meetings with her she told us that she wanted us to be the parents of her soon to be born baby boy. I was elated, and immediately began preparing for the birth of a baby boy, our baby boy. We picked out a name, told our families, and got the nursery ready. And then things began to fall apart. There were lots of warning signs that this was not going to have a happy ending but I refused to believe it could be true. I just kept imagining holding and loving this little boy and my heart could not let him go.
Around the same time a dear friend approached me about the possibility of adopting her darling 2 year old granddaughter, Kennedy, who was facing the possibility of foster care. Steven and I talked it over and decided that although there were lots of risks involved in this complicated situation that it would be worth the risk to do what we could to provide a loving and stable environment for this little girl. At the same time we realized that we would not be able to adopt the baby boy. We were both grieving this loss and welcoming Kennedy into our home at the same time. It was a scary time for me because I was becoming more and more attached to Kennedy, and realizing that my heart could be broken for a second time in a few short months. I worried about the affect that this would all have on my darling Ella and on Steven and I and how we would ever recover from this loss. A couple of weeks later and my fears were realized as Kennedy's birth father put an end to the adoption proceedings. We loved Kennedy and it was heart wrenching to return her to her mother, even though we had tried to prepare ourselves for this possibility.
By the end of June I felt like I had been through and emotional war. I was discouraged and exhausted and began to consider that maybe I did not have the fortitude to continue on our adoption journey. I decided to take a much needed break and spend some quality time with Ella at my parents cabin in Montana. I would go out on the lake in the kayak and paddle as hard as I could trying to escape it all and put the thoughts of babies and adoption and fertility treatments out of my mind. I just kept wondering why Heavenly Father was putting our family through this. What was the purpose of these two failed adoptions? What was it that I needed to learn? I felt the peace and quiet beauty of my surroundings, I could finally breathe again as I felt the answer "Peace, be still." I could actually feel myself becoming more calm and at peace.
I never imagined a few days later when my phone rang that would it be our adoption case worker. I had to find a chair quickly as she told me that a baby girl had been born on July 4th at the University of Utah hospital and placed with the agency for adoption. I could barely speak as she told me that the birth mom had signed the placement papers and requested the agency to choose the adoptive family. We quickly got Steven on a conference call as she filled some of the few details in about this little baby girl. She told us she had seen her and she was healthy and beautiful. They had prayed about it as an agency and felt that she belonged to us. To us! When I got off the phone and began to make arrangements on how to get back to Salt Lake in time to pick her up from the hospital at noon the next day I felt like I was in shock. I went back and forth between laughing hysterically and sobbing uncontrollably. I called my parents, who are amazing, and they came to my rescue. They booked me a plane ticket, then drove three hours back to the cabin to take care of Ella and get me to the airport in the wee hours of the next morning.
I am not sure my feet ever touched the ground that day. It seemed like a dream as I went to the hospital with Steven to meet our baby girl. It is a bit of a foggy haze to me because I was having such a hard time processing this amazing miracle. I knew it was just that, we had been granted a miracle. On the way to the hospital we brainstormed baby girl names, and were inspired with the name Annika. I few days later I looked the name up online and learned to my amazment that Annika means "merciful" or "mercy". We had been granted mercy, an answer to all of our prayers. It amazes me when I look back over the last few months at all we have been through to realize that every step was a step closer to her. Even though we could not see the happy ending to our journey, there was One who knew the outcome, who gave us the strength to endure, and who granted us Mercy when we needed it most.
We could not feel more blessed to welcome Annika Lily Flockhart into our family.
It wasn't very long at all before we had a phone call saying that a birth mom had picked our profile and wanted to meet with us. I was overjoyed! After a few meetings with her she told us that she wanted us to be the parents of her soon to be born baby boy. I was elated, and immediately began preparing for the birth of a baby boy, our baby boy. We picked out a name, told our families, and got the nursery ready. And then things began to fall apart. There were lots of warning signs that this was not going to have a happy ending but I refused to believe it could be true. I just kept imagining holding and loving this little boy and my heart could not let him go.
Around the same time a dear friend approached me about the possibility of adopting her darling 2 year old granddaughter, Kennedy, who was facing the possibility of foster care. Steven and I talked it over and decided that although there were lots of risks involved in this complicated situation that it would be worth the risk to do what we could to provide a loving and stable environment for this little girl. At the same time we realized that we would not be able to adopt the baby boy. We were both grieving this loss and welcoming Kennedy into our home at the same time. It was a scary time for me because I was becoming more and more attached to Kennedy, and realizing that my heart could be broken for a second time in a few short months. I worried about the affect that this would all have on my darling Ella and on Steven and I and how we would ever recover from this loss. A couple of weeks later and my fears were realized as Kennedy's birth father put an end to the adoption proceedings. We loved Kennedy and it was heart wrenching to return her to her mother, even though we had tried to prepare ourselves for this possibility.
By the end of June I felt like I had been through and emotional war. I was discouraged and exhausted and began to consider that maybe I did not have the fortitude to continue on our adoption journey. I decided to take a much needed break and spend some quality time with Ella at my parents cabin in Montana. I would go out on the lake in the kayak and paddle as hard as I could trying to escape it all and put the thoughts of babies and adoption and fertility treatments out of my mind. I just kept wondering why Heavenly Father was putting our family through this. What was the purpose of these two failed adoptions? What was it that I needed to learn? I felt the peace and quiet beauty of my surroundings, I could finally breathe again as I felt the answer "Peace, be still." I could actually feel myself becoming more calm and at peace.
I never imagined a few days later when my phone rang that would it be our adoption case worker. I had to find a chair quickly as she told me that a baby girl had been born on July 4th at the University of Utah hospital and placed with the agency for adoption. I could barely speak as she told me that the birth mom had signed the placement papers and requested the agency to choose the adoptive family. We quickly got Steven on a conference call as she filled some of the few details in about this little baby girl. She told us she had seen her and she was healthy and beautiful. They had prayed about it as an agency and felt that she belonged to us. To us! When I got off the phone and began to make arrangements on how to get back to Salt Lake in time to pick her up from the hospital at noon the next day I felt like I was in shock. I went back and forth between laughing hysterically and sobbing uncontrollably. I called my parents, who are amazing, and they came to my rescue. They booked me a plane ticket, then drove three hours back to the cabin to take care of Ella and get me to the airport in the wee hours of the next morning.
I am not sure my feet ever touched the ground that day. It seemed like a dream as I went to the hospital with Steven to meet our baby girl. It is a bit of a foggy haze to me because I was having such a hard time processing this amazing miracle. I knew it was just that, we had been granted a miracle. On the way to the hospital we brainstormed baby girl names, and were inspired with the name Annika. I few days later I looked the name up online and learned to my amazment that Annika means "merciful" or "mercy". We had been granted mercy, an answer to all of our prayers. It amazes me when I look back over the last few months at all we have been through to realize that every step was a step closer to her. Even though we could not see the happy ending to our journey, there was One who knew the outcome, who gave us the strength to endure, and who granted us Mercy when we needed it most.
We could not feel more blessed to welcome Annika Lily Flockhart into our family.
4.03.2011
Peace Birds for Japan
Recently I saw this http://youtu.be/eeQewQj43o4 video on You Tube, called Give Aloha to Japan. I was impressed and decided to show it to my preschool class. We talked about the tragic earthquake and tsunami in Japan and soon had a plan of how we could do something to help the children of Japan. My cute students came up with lots of creative ideas. We had recently been learning about different bird species, so they decided they would make some water color bird paintings that they could sell, and then we would donate the money to The Red Cross. They wanted to call them "Peace birds for Japan" since we have a lot of lessons about peace in Montessori. I loved seeing them so excited about this project, they were so concerned and sincere in their efforts to "help." We were able to raise about 150.00 dollars. The parents at the school were so supportive, and even my sweet little Elle raided her tooth fairy money to buy a few birds. I loved doing this project and I was so inspired by these sweet little pumpkins, their caring hearts and little helping hands. It made me want to look around and see what else I can do to make the world a better place. 
3.13.2011
Finding my.....passion?
Its the catch phrase offered up by every life coach and O magazine cover..... find your passion! Follow your passion. I admit, I have been sucked in more than once. It sounds so exciting and so pleasant. What could be better than a career, a part-time job, a hobby or life centered around what you are most passionate about. Delicious as it seems at first, it is one of those concepts that sours quickly in your mouth. My biggest problem, I am not really sure what mine is. I like to think that I am in tune with myself, so why does posing this question make my stomach a little queasy. Can I choose only one? Am really passionate about anything. Soon I find my self in the clutches of despair and self-doubt. That nasty little bad jill on my shoulder ever so sweetly whispers "you are not really good at anything"...."You will never find your passion." Just when my world starts to spin out, a little girl missing two front teeth comes prancing in the room asking me to do a project with her. Then I get a phone call from my sister and laugh so hard I wet my pants a little. Later I make the best Thai basil curry anyone has ever tasted. Before I fall asleep I read a few pages of one of my favorite poetry books ever, words so beautiful I cry every time. The next morning my shiny new magazine with alluring catch phrase goes straight into the garbage can along with several self-help books. This is my honest and somewhat painful conclusion, passionate is not a word that fits anywhere in my life. I am okay with that though, I have a few loves, plenty of laughs, lots of happy. From now on my plan is to catch myself in the act of being happy, and then keep on doing that.
2.07.2011
Montessori Monday
"We especially need imagination in science. It is not all mathematics, nor logic, but it is somewhat beauty and poetry." -Maria Montessori
For the last five years I have worked as a preschool teacher, but for the last 18 months I've had the opportunity of working at a Montessori preschool. To be honest it has taken a while for the montessori philosophy to find its way into my heart, but I can finally announce that I am officially in love. I think that Maria Montessori's ideas can be implemented by any teacher and all you moms out there are the most important teacher your child will ever have. I love this quote because it embodies all that I want to give to my students. I want them to find the beauty in the world, in the experience of learning, and most importantly in themselves. I want them to know that life is poetry, a song in motion.
For the last five years I have worked as a preschool teacher, but for the last 18 months I've had the opportunity of working at a Montessori preschool. To be honest it has taken a while for the montessori philosophy to find its way into my heart, but I can finally announce that I am officially in love. I think that Maria Montessori's ideas can be implemented by any teacher and all you moms out there are the most important teacher your child will ever have. I love this quote because it embodies all that I want to give to my students. I want them to find the beauty in the world, in the experience of learning, and most importantly in themselves. I want them to know that life is poetry, a song in motion.
1.19.2011
"Butt-tops"
Yesterday, after swimming lessons, Ella didn't want the lady behind us to see her getting changed because she would see her "Butt-tops." She thinks that is the techincal word for butt, which she is confusing with buttocks. Her teacher sometimes tells the class to sit on their buttocks, but ella cannot be convinced that it is not "butt-tops." I think she has the cutest little but-tops on the face of the planet!
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