It was by all standards an ordinary Sunday evening. All four of us snuggled together on the sofa. Steven held Ella, and my hand, and I held a beautiful sleeping Nika. As we watched Star Wars (Ella’s request) something told me to catch this moment and hold on tight. So as they watched the movie, I watched them. And my heart was filled with happiness. So this is what it feels like to be perfectly content I thought.
A couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant. A couple weeks after that, I found out that I wasn’t any more. It can only be described like a comet. It was a brilliant comet that shot through my sky and illuminated everything. It was unexpected and beautiful - and then it was gone. When I first found out we were pregnant, I felt so proud. Almost victorious. Like we had endured enough struggles and had shown faith, and been blessed with our miracle, Annika, and now we would be blessed with as many children as we wanted. I was almost smug about it. But it was not to be. Losing a pregnancy is a strange thing. I went from loving my body that was cradling this new little life to hating it in a second. My body was a traitor. How could it do this to me? Why was it letting this precious thing go? So I curled up in a ball as Steven rubbed my back and wished for it to stop, prayed for it to stop. It would be just as easy to call back a comet that has already flashed through the sky.
What was the point of that, I thought. Had I not just been perfectly content? Why was I given this precious, long awaited gift only to have it snatched back away so quickly? I waited for sadness and disappointment to give way to bitterness. But to my surprise bitterness did not take root. Something else, sweet and strong washed over me and soothed my soul. So this is what it feels like to trust God, I thought.
