One of the things I love most about this time of year is the opportunity for self reflection. For me, there is an undeniable pull inward, a tugging of the heart strings. A tiny little whisper to pause and reflect on the last year. For some reason, this year, the usual little whisper is not so subtle, it is a scream really. I feel compelled to contemplate on all the ups and downs, blessings and curses of 2011 and ask myself some tough questions.
Why do I do this? I have really struggled lately as to why I do this, blog that is. I have been faced with my own insignificance as I stare at my tiny following and wonder, who am I doing this for? I have given more than one envious glace at some of my favorite blogs with their hundreds, and thousands of followers. If only I could teach you how to make a dress out of a pair of your husbands old socks. It has taken me a while to realize, I do this for myself. So I have a place to tell my story, our story. It may not be important to the masses, but it is authentic. I hope that someday, my daughters can see this blog, and it will help them to know who their mother was. They can see this and then also see that they were and are my whole world (tiny as it may be.)
What is important? Maybe a better question would be, why is it so easy to become distracted by things that are unimportant? The other night I went with my sister in law and our kids to pioneer park to candle light Christmas. It was so fun, magical almost. I learned the Virginia real. I have seen it in movies and always wanted to be able to do an old fashioned dance. My sister in law said she loves it there because the whole world just disappears and you can forget about all the craziness. By the end of the night I was in agreement. Sometimes simple is better. Less distractions, like pinterest and those annoying kardashians. Distractions can steal your life. The other day I almost missed Ella's singing performance at school. I got busy at home and didn't have time to shower and I didn't want to be seen by all the posh moms at school in such a state. I reasoned that it wasn't that important and that Ella wouldn't even notice me in the crowd. Then I gave my head a shake and pulled it together and zoomed to her school, greasy hair and all. When I walked in she shrieked and ran to me across the room and gave me the hugest hug and said "your the best mommy ever!!!" I almost missed that. I almost let her down, because I was worried what some snotty cows that drive fancy cars would think about my lack of mascara and lip gloss. I am so glad I realized what matters most is my little girl's smile, even if it was at the last minute.
Do the people you love know that you love them? This is a tough one. One that makes a lump form in my throat. Just about eight years ago my brother Jamie passed away. We weren't very close, and I remember sitting at his funeral and being so angry at myself that I hadn't take the time to nurture our relationship. I listened to his friends stories and realized for the first time how much we had in common and how much I had lost by not letting him know that I loved him. I promised myself that I would never let anything like that happen again. This Christmas my prayer is that all the important people in my life know how much I love them.
Does God know how grateful I am for the blessing in my life? Sometimes I am such a brat. An ungrateful brat. I whine about this and that, blah blah blah. Then I take a look at my beautiful little Annika. She will always be a reminder to me of just how blessed I am. She is like humility medicine for me. A sweet little pill to remind me, that I am loved and lucky and that my life is not that hard.
I guess this is kind of a lot to think about. Good thing there is a whole new year just around the corner. I will have plenty of time to contemplate and get it just right.
