7.20.2011
7.18.2011
Oh Happy Day!
It has been ages since I blogged and you probably know the reason why. To say the last few months have been difficult would be a huge understatement. Many of you know the struggle we have been through to grow our little family. We have been working to get pregnant or to adopt for a couple of years but there seemed to be new obstacles around every corner. Finally in January our application for adoption through LDS family services was completed and we were approved for adoption, which basically is the beginning of a long wait until someone chooses you to be the adoptive parents. Although we had not given up on fertility I felt my heart tugging strongly in the direction of adoption. I didn't know the reason why, I just felt it in my heart.
It wasn't very long at all before we had a phone call saying that a birth mom had picked our profile and wanted to meet with us. I was overjoyed! After a few meetings with her she told us that she wanted us to be the parents of her soon to be born baby boy. I was elated, and immediately began preparing for the birth of a baby boy, our baby boy. We picked out a name, told our families, and got the nursery ready. And then things began to fall apart. There were lots of warning signs that this was not going to have a happy ending but I refused to believe it could be true. I just kept imagining holding and loving this little boy and my heart could not let him go.
Around the same time a dear friend approached me about the possibility of adopting her darling 2 year old granddaughter, Kennedy, who was facing the possibility of foster care. Steven and I talked it over and decided that although there were lots of risks involved in this complicated situation that it would be worth the risk to do what we could to provide a loving and stable environment for this little girl. At the same time we realized that we would not be able to adopt the baby boy. We were both grieving this loss and welcoming Kennedy into our home at the same time. It was a scary time for me because I was becoming more and more attached to Kennedy, and realizing that my heart could be broken for a second time in a few short months. I worried about the affect that this would all have on my darling Ella and on Steven and I and how we would ever recover from this loss. A couple of weeks later and my fears were realized as Kennedy's birth father put an end to the adoption proceedings. We loved Kennedy and it was heart wrenching to return her to her mother, even though we had tried to prepare ourselves for this possibility.
By the end of June I felt like I had been through and emotional war. I was discouraged and exhausted and began to consider that maybe I did not have the fortitude to continue on our adoption journey. I decided to take a much needed break and spend some quality time with Ella at my parents cabin in Montana. I would go out on the lake in the kayak and paddle as hard as I could trying to escape it all and put the thoughts of babies and adoption and fertility treatments out of my mind. I just kept wondering why Heavenly Father was putting our family through this. What was the purpose of these two failed adoptions? What was it that I needed to learn? I felt the peace and quiet beauty of my surroundings, I could finally breathe again as I felt the answer "Peace, be still." I could actually feel myself becoming more calm and at peace.
I never imagined a few days later when my phone rang that would it be our adoption case worker. I had to find a chair quickly as she told me that a baby girl had been born on July 4th at the University of Utah hospital and placed with the agency for adoption. I could barely speak as she told me that the birth mom had signed the placement papers and requested the agency to choose the adoptive family. We quickly got Steven on a conference call as she filled some of the few details in about this little baby girl. She told us she had seen her and she was healthy and beautiful. They had prayed about it as an agency and felt that she belonged to us. To us! When I got off the phone and began to make arrangements on how to get back to Salt Lake in time to pick her up from the hospital at noon the next day I felt like I was in shock. I went back and forth between laughing hysterically and sobbing uncontrollably. I called my parents, who are amazing, and they came to my rescue. They booked me a plane ticket, then drove three hours back to the cabin to take care of Ella and get me to the airport in the wee hours of the next morning.
I am not sure my feet ever touched the ground that day. It seemed like a dream as I went to the hospital with Steven to meet our baby girl. It is a bit of a foggy haze to me because I was having such a hard time processing this amazing miracle. I knew it was just that, we had been granted a miracle. On the way to the hospital we brainstormed baby girl names, and were inspired with the name Annika. I few days later I looked the name up online and learned to my amazment that Annika means "merciful" or "mercy". We had been granted mercy, an answer to all of our prayers. It amazes me when I look back over the last few months at all we have been through to realize that every step was a step closer to her. Even though we could not see the happy ending to our journey, there was One who knew the outcome, who gave us the strength to endure, and who granted us Mercy when we needed it most.
We could not feel more blessed to welcome Annika Lily Flockhart into our family.
It wasn't very long at all before we had a phone call saying that a birth mom had picked our profile and wanted to meet with us. I was overjoyed! After a few meetings with her she told us that she wanted us to be the parents of her soon to be born baby boy. I was elated, and immediately began preparing for the birth of a baby boy, our baby boy. We picked out a name, told our families, and got the nursery ready. And then things began to fall apart. There were lots of warning signs that this was not going to have a happy ending but I refused to believe it could be true. I just kept imagining holding and loving this little boy and my heart could not let him go.
Around the same time a dear friend approached me about the possibility of adopting her darling 2 year old granddaughter, Kennedy, who was facing the possibility of foster care. Steven and I talked it over and decided that although there were lots of risks involved in this complicated situation that it would be worth the risk to do what we could to provide a loving and stable environment for this little girl. At the same time we realized that we would not be able to adopt the baby boy. We were both grieving this loss and welcoming Kennedy into our home at the same time. It was a scary time for me because I was becoming more and more attached to Kennedy, and realizing that my heart could be broken for a second time in a few short months. I worried about the affect that this would all have on my darling Ella and on Steven and I and how we would ever recover from this loss. A couple of weeks later and my fears were realized as Kennedy's birth father put an end to the adoption proceedings. We loved Kennedy and it was heart wrenching to return her to her mother, even though we had tried to prepare ourselves for this possibility.
By the end of June I felt like I had been through and emotional war. I was discouraged and exhausted and began to consider that maybe I did not have the fortitude to continue on our adoption journey. I decided to take a much needed break and spend some quality time with Ella at my parents cabin in Montana. I would go out on the lake in the kayak and paddle as hard as I could trying to escape it all and put the thoughts of babies and adoption and fertility treatments out of my mind. I just kept wondering why Heavenly Father was putting our family through this. What was the purpose of these two failed adoptions? What was it that I needed to learn? I felt the peace and quiet beauty of my surroundings, I could finally breathe again as I felt the answer "Peace, be still." I could actually feel myself becoming more calm and at peace.
I never imagined a few days later when my phone rang that would it be our adoption case worker. I had to find a chair quickly as she told me that a baby girl had been born on July 4th at the University of Utah hospital and placed with the agency for adoption. I could barely speak as she told me that the birth mom had signed the placement papers and requested the agency to choose the adoptive family. We quickly got Steven on a conference call as she filled some of the few details in about this little baby girl. She told us she had seen her and she was healthy and beautiful. They had prayed about it as an agency and felt that she belonged to us. To us! When I got off the phone and began to make arrangements on how to get back to Salt Lake in time to pick her up from the hospital at noon the next day I felt like I was in shock. I went back and forth between laughing hysterically and sobbing uncontrollably. I called my parents, who are amazing, and they came to my rescue. They booked me a plane ticket, then drove three hours back to the cabin to take care of Ella and get me to the airport in the wee hours of the next morning.
I am not sure my feet ever touched the ground that day. It seemed like a dream as I went to the hospital with Steven to meet our baby girl. It is a bit of a foggy haze to me because I was having such a hard time processing this amazing miracle. I knew it was just that, we had been granted a miracle. On the way to the hospital we brainstormed baby girl names, and were inspired with the name Annika. I few days later I looked the name up online and learned to my amazment that Annika means "merciful" or "mercy". We had been granted mercy, an answer to all of our prayers. It amazes me when I look back over the last few months at all we have been through to realize that every step was a step closer to her. Even though we could not see the happy ending to our journey, there was One who knew the outcome, who gave us the strength to endure, and who granted us Mercy when we needed it most.
We could not feel more blessed to welcome Annika Lily Flockhart into our family.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)