sister for spring break.

It has become family tradition to visit my sister ( Aunt Janni) in Texas for spring break.    Usually it is just the girls, but this year Steve came with us and we had a blast.   We love spending time time with Jan, Matt, and Wheeler.   Houston feels down right tropical in early April next to Salt Lake.   This year we went to an Astro's game, the Houston Zoo,  San Antonio, and Sea world.   It was a lot hauling around our kids, and pregnant Jan was a real trooper.  We wondered in awe many times at all the moms out there that have more than one or two kids, and still manage to make it out the door in one peice every day, let alone on big adventures.  Here are a few pics of the trip.

Bucket List

Volunteer at a children's hospital

Visit Italy, and then decide to stay a while

Have something professionally published

Learn to play the guitar and piano

Dance at both my daughters weddings

Graduate with a masters degree

Kiss my husband on top of one of the pyramids

Ride in a rickshaw

Become talented at writing love letters

Buy an entire new wardrobe and get rid of all my old stuff all at once.

Rock a grandchild to sleep

Look in the mirror and be proud of my wrinkles

Grow an amazing vegetable garden

Own beautiful art

Travel the USA in a motor home

Take care of my parents when they are old half as good as they have taken care of me

Live in the same city as my sisters

Be 100% comfortable in my own skin

Star in a Broadway musical ( it could happen)

The Comet

It was by all standards an ordinary Sunday evening. All four of us snuggled together on the sofa. Steven held Ella, and my hand, and I held a beautiful sleeping Nika. As we watched Star Wars (Ella’s request) something told me to catch this moment and hold on tight. So as they watched the movie, I watched them. And my heart was filled with happiness. So this is what it feels like to be perfectly content I thought.

A couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant. A couple weeks after that, I found out that I wasn’t any more. It can only be described like a comet. It was a brilliant comet that shot through my sky and illuminated everything. It was unexpected and beautiful - and then it was gone. When I first found out we were pregnant, I felt so proud. Almost victorious. Like we had endured enough struggles and had shown faith, and been blessed with our miracle, Annika, and now we would be blessed with as many children as we wanted. I was almost smug about it. But it was not to be. Losing a pregnancy is a strange thing. I went from loving my body that was cradling this new little life to hating it in a second. My body was a traitor. How could it do this to me? Why was it letting this precious thing go? So I curled up in a ball as Steven rubbed my back and wished for it to stop, prayed for it to stop. It would be just as easy to call back a comet that has already flashed through the sky.

What was the point of that, I thought. Had I not just been perfectly content? Why was I given this precious, long awaited gift only to have it snatched back away so quickly? I waited for sadness and disappointment to give way to bitterness. But to my surprise bitterness did not take root. Something else, sweet and strong washed over me and soothed my soul. So this is what it feels like to trust God, I thought.

Mother

My life has been blessed. Not always easy, not always perfect, but definitely blessed. Sometimes when I am having a bad moment I start making the list of all I am grateful for in my mind. When I do this my mother is always on that list. My mother was very young and very beautiful when she made the choice to be a wife and mother. I have watched her carry out that job for the last 32 years with more selfless love than I have ever witnessed in another person. I remember fresh baked muffins for school almost every morning, and elaborate birthday cakes for each birthday. I remember her always being there to help me with my homework, wipe my tears, and celebrate my victories. She was (and is) creative and resourceful, tender and loving, patient and kind and the hardest working person that I know. Now that I am a mother I cannot count the situations when I think "what would my mom have done?" and then I know what path to take. Whenever I am too tired, too selfish, or too lazy I think about my mom and try to dig a little deeper, love a little harder and serve a little more.
My mom just celebrated her birthday yesterday and even twenty years younger I still have a hard time keeping up with her energy and spunk. She is still young and still very beautiful.
Happy Birthday Mom!

Inventory

One of the things I love most about this time of year is the opportunity for self reflection. For me, there is an undeniable pull inward, a tugging of the heart strings. A tiny little whisper to pause and reflect on the last year. For some reason, this year, the usual little whisper is not so subtle, it is a scream really. I feel compelled to contemplate on all the ups and downs, blessings and curses of 2011 and ask myself some tough questions.

Why do I do this? I have really struggled lately as to why I do this, blog that is. I have been faced with my own insignificance as I stare at my tiny following and wonder, who am I doing this for? I have given more than one envious glace at some of my favorite blogs with their hundreds, and thousands of followers. If only I could teach you how to make a dress out of a pair of your husbands old socks. It has taken me a while to realize, I do this for myself. So I have a place to tell my story, our story. It may not be important to the masses, but it is authentic. I hope that someday, my daughters can see this blog, and it will help them to know who their mother was. They can see this and then also see that they were and are my whole world (tiny as it may be.)

What is important? Maybe a better question would be, why is it so easy to become distracted by things that are unimportant? The other night I went with my sister in law and our kids to pioneer park to candle light Christmas. It was so fun, magical almost. I learned the Virginia real. I have seen it in movies and always wanted to be able to do an old fashioned dance. My sister in law said she loves it there because the whole world just disappears and you can forget about all the craziness. By the end of the night I was in agreement. Sometimes simple is better. Less distractions, like pinterest and those annoying kardashians. Distractions can steal your life. The other day I almost missed Ella's singing performance at school. I got busy at home and didn't have time to shower and I didn't want to be seen by all the posh moms at school in such a state. I reasoned that it wasn't that important and that Ella wouldn't even notice me in the crowd. Then I gave my head a shake and pulled it together and zoomed to her school, greasy hair and all. When I walked in she shrieked and ran to me across the room and gave me the hugest hug and said "your the best mommy ever!!!" I almost missed that. I almost let her down, because I was worried what some snotty cows that drive fancy cars would think about my lack of mascara and lip gloss. I am so glad I realized what matters most is my little girl's smile, even if it was at the last minute.

Do the people you love know that you love them? This is a tough one. One that makes a lump form in my throat. Just about eight years ago my brother Jamie passed away. We weren't very close, and I remember sitting at his funeral and being so angry at myself that I hadn't take the time to nurture our relationship. I listened to his friends stories and realized for the first time how much we had in common and how much I had lost by not letting him know that I loved him. I promised myself that I would never let anything like that happen again. This Christmas my prayer is that all the important people in my life know how much I love them.

Does God know how grateful I am for the blessing in my life? Sometimes I am such a brat. An ungrateful brat. I whine about this and that, blah blah blah. Then I take a look at my beautiful little Annika. She will always be a reminder to me of just how blessed I am. She is like humility medicine for me. A sweet little pill to remind me, that I am loved and lucky and that my life is not that hard.

I guess this is kind of a lot to think about. Good thing there is a whole new year just around the corner. I will have plenty of time to contemplate and get it just right.

Can it be true?

Can it be true that my little love Ella is seven years old? Does anybody else out there have a hard time coming to term with their children growing up? I'm not sure why I find it so hard to believe that my first born baby is not nearly a baby anymore. Ella is my little BFF, the sunshine in my soul. She is the most sweet, loving and thoughtful little girl you could ever come across. She is always making little love notes and suprises for me and her dad. She loves her baby sister and can most of the time be found cooing her little songs and reading her stories. She also loves animals. In fact, she has just spent the entire morning outside in the yard creating as she says "a thanksgiving feast for the animals." I am not sure that birds ans squirrels share her love of mudpies and leaf cakes. I do know that since the day she was born I have loved her and been thankful that I am her mom.

Fall Fun

I finally got it in gear and dragged my kiddos and hubby to our local pumpkin patch a Wheeler Farm. It was Fall fun for all with a hay bale maze, pumpkin picking patch and wagon ride. Ella insists that her favorite part was seeing the cows and letting them lick her hand with their rough tongues. (ummm, ew!) I think she loves animals even more than I did as a kid, and she is so entertained by the simplest things. We also took our sweet little friend Kennedy with us. I love that little girl so much and it is always nice and a little bittersweet to spend time with her and imagine what might have been. Our little bundle, Annika, was cute as ever and will probably be a little more excited about the pumpkin picking in years to come.

A love song for baby

One of my favorite childrens books ever is called Love Song For A Baby. I bought it for E as a baby and now, with a new little wee one, some of the lyrical prose always seem to be on the tip of my tongue. ............

Before the first stars blazed in your sky,

before the sun ever kissed you,

before you cried your first cry,

we loved you...

....Your laughter was the sun.

Your smile, the moon.

Even your burps were bells,

since we loved you.

You burst upon our world like a comet,

like bird song

in the silver silence of dawn,

and how could we help

but love you?

Is it too late for one last summer adventure?

I want to steal a romantic kiss from my husband here....

and here......................

but do most of the kissing here!